Always Here
by scottiegal2012
Summary: What I wanted this to be like... Kathryn, Mark, Chakotay ... AU when it comes to my series'


******Title****: **Always Here  
**Rating:** T  
**Characters:** Kathryn, Mark, Chakotay  
**Summary:** This is what I wanted to do with Mark, but never did. So, here it is… separate from any of my series'.

A torrent of water poured over the edge of the rocky cliff and splashed into the deep pool of water beneath it, obscuring everything but the jagged rocks along the shore. The midday sun of the Terran solar system reflected light off the countless droplets of water, making them appear to be shimmering shards of glass. Schools of fish swam circles around the tiny bugs that danced across the choppy surface before leaping up out of the water to grab them in the air.

Kathryn Janeway sat in a dark blue wetsuit on the edge of a large rock that hung over the shoreline. The rock had her high enough where the fins of her flippers hadn't touched the surface yet. She had wanted to do this since leaving Earth 8 years ago, but couldn't yet bring herself to drop into the water. No, instead her wetsuit was dry and her oxygen line hadn't been turned on. This would be the first time she'd dive alone since she was in the Academy.

Her last few hundred dives had been with her best friend, Mark. Well, she had to admit their first dive together was not her best memory. They nearly drowned on Mars Colony in the unmapped caverns beneath the murky cove surfaces. She hated him than. She hated him until just after she lost her fiancé, Justin. God, she still missed him too. Than, she'd started to enjoy _Hobbes'_ company. He wasn't so lanky, not so ugly, actually handsome and incredibly smart. Lieutenant Kathryn Janeway had fallen in love with one Mark Johnson. Once they had started dating, they dove together all the time. When she went through her on-planet command training, they were diving every weekend. Her last one with him was when he proposed. They were alone in an underground cavern in the Amazon, trying to catch their breath after nearly not making it up, oxygen stores running dangerously low. She'd started laughing at their predicament when he scooted up along side her, wrapped his strong arms around her small body and asked her to marry him. She'd been so happy that day.

She took a breath and slid the piece into her mouth, closed her eyes and leaned forward. An arm grabbed her startling her. "What the hell!" She spun to see Mark crouching on the rock behind her, hiding a chuckle.

"I heard a rumor you were diving alone today. You're mother thought nothing of it, but I know better." Mark eased down next to her and pulled her back onto the rock.

She yanked her arm away, angry he had startled her. "How long have you been there?"

"Oh, barely a second. You didn't hear me yell for you from the ledge? I thought you were just ignoring me."

"No." She still felt the frustration of him surprising her and it showed.

"Kath, I didn't mean to bother you, but you've avoided me since you got home. I think we need to talk." He pulled the breathing piece off from around her neck so she couldn't jump in to escape.

She sighed softly. "I haven't meant to, well, I have, but for my own reasons."

"It's not me, it's you?" He smiled, a crooked one that showed his good intentions.

"Something like that." She rubbed her knees with her palms and turned to face him. "I just haven't wanted to face this yet."

"You've been home seven months." He looked like he hadn't slept well, or eaten well for that matter in some time.

"I know."

"You never wrote back."

"I know." She didn't feel much like elaborating on any feelings. She wanted that water to come rushing up at her so fast that she didn't have time to think about what was happening. "How did you know where to find me?"

He grinned. "This is where we were supposed to dive when you got home. You came without me."

She tried to maintain her anger, it served her well when dealing with emotional things. "That's right. I didn't even realize it."

"Well, you're not in the middle of nowhere out of convenience, not as busy as you are."

She took the breathing piece back and slid it into the bag near her, the fins followed it.

"I've ruined your day, haven't I?"

"Indirectly, it'd already been ruined when I decided to take a trip down _memory lane_." She stood and pulled the wetsuit off, a tank top and pair of shorts beneath it.

"Oh?"

"It's not just you I've been lamenting either, so don't get cocky."

He stuck his tongue out and stood as well. "You'll hate me forever if I push you in now, won't you?"

She smiled at that. "Oh, I'll find a way to make you pay."

"I'll not touch you than." He made a show of shoving his hands into the pockets of his long pants. "You been alright?"

"Yeah, mostly."

"Have you met anyone?"

"Do you insist on prying?" She slid a pair of sandals on and shouldered the bag.

He stepped off the rock and held his hand up to help her. "Yes."

She took it and stepped down as well. "Yes, and no."

"I'll have to pry further?"

She tipped her head. "Nooo."

He laughed at her exaggerated response. He always loved that about her.

"I did, twice not counting a brief holographic _fling_."

"_You_ had a fling, Kath?" He laughed and caught her arm as she stumbled on a branch.

"With a hologram." She pointed out as she took her arm back. "Thanks."

"I'd hate to see you die out here. A hologram. Was he a good looking hologram?"

"He was _Irish. _A self-aware _Irish_ hologram. It was rough." She laughed at the memory of her and Michael Sullivan at the pub in the middle of the night.

"Self-aware and Irish. You can't beat that." He put his hands back in his pockets. "Was it serious?"

She laughed again. "Too serious. I was devastated when we had a glitch in the processors that nearly had us reprogramming the whole thing. Broke it off shortly after that."

"You broke the heart of an Irish hologram." He shook his head pointedly. "Devil."

"Something."

He was quiet a moment. "And what of the other two?"

She thought for a moment about the first. "We were away for, oh four years before _I _moved on. He turned out to be a traitor. I kind of knew it…"

"One upped him, didn't you?"

"Oh yeah." She flashed a proud grin in his direction.

"And the second?"

She sighed. "He was… he was… well, unkeepable?"

He laughed at the new word. "How so?"

"This was too recent." She was whispering now. Their steps on the dead leaves drowning her voice out.

"I'm sorry, Kath." He fell quiet again. "You okay?"

"I wanted him to come with us, but he didn't."

"And you wouldn't stay… that damned duty ideal of yours has _always_ kept you from being happy."

She shook her head. "I'm happy, just… _alone_."

"Do you miss- No, Kath, you said you didn't want to talk about it, I'm sorry."

She sighed. "I never said I didn't want to talk about it, I was just warning you that it only was… well, I guess it's been a year now, two months before we got home." She kicked a rock and winced as it occurred to her too late that her toe was exposed at the front of the sandal.

"That was dumb." He tried not to laugh.

"I am never out of boots." She bit her lip and closed her eyes for a second, willing the sharp stab to go away. "Anyway, we had been kidnapped and our memories selectively altered. I met him on a work detail at a power facility. It was a very brief time before I had already moved in with him, and than we were rescued by the _sane_ members of the crew."

"And he didn't want to come with you? What kind of an ass would let _you_ go?"

_That was sweet_. "Right? That's what I said!" She laughed. "I _am _okay with it mostly because it was so brief."

"More of a crush?"

"Something like that. I've had a hell of a seven years, Mark." Saying his name hurt. She hadn't realized his name alone would be more painful than him being at arms length from her walking through the woods.

It hurt for him to hear her say it. "I waited."

"I know. I read the letter." She didn't this time mean to sound angry. "What could you do, for all intent and purpose I was dead."

"Yeah, it killed us. I watched your mother cry at every press conference. Every time an officer came to the house she would run from the room, afraid they had proof _Voyager_ had been destroyed. People started calling us fools for expecting you to come home. I never _felt_ you were gone, I had to just convince myself. Someone from Starfleet came to the door one day and tells my wife to give me a message. She hated me, thought I'd leave."

"That's awful." She felt sympathy for the woman. "How'd you convince her otherwise?"

"Time. When I _didn't_ leave and when _you_ didn't write back, she started to accept that I'd let go. She wants to meet you."

"I can't do that."

"I don't expect you to and told her as much."

"Tell me she knows you're here now?" Kathryn stopped dead on the trail, her hand on his arm.

"No."

"Oh, Mark. If she was so insecure about it, you shouldn't be here now!"

"I'll tell her, I just didn't have time."

She stared at him a moment before letting his arm go and continuing at a slower pace. "Do you have children?"

"A son." He stepped a bit faster to reach her and than slowed to match her pace. "We tried again, but she lost the second."

"I'm sorry. What about Molly… she's been gone a while?"

"Yeah, three years. Two puppies survived her, one we gave to Admiral Paris, he was allergic though. Not sure where she went from there."

She nodded. "Did she suffer?"

"No. Not at all, she wasn't sick, just old. She laid down in _your spot_ on the couch in the den and didn't wake up."

Kathryn felt a lump in her throat. She missed the den, she missed that spot at the couch, she missed Molly, she missed everything about the life she had been ready to share with Mark. She fought tears. Why the hell did she ask him about Molly? She took a couple of quicker steps to get ahead of him. She didn't want to start crying. She was a Starfleet Captain.

Mark realized she was fighting tears and he again stopped talking. _Dammit Johnson._ He knew he still loved her and she was right, for Carla's sake he shouldn't be there with her now.

Kathryn was still silent as she managed to stay a pace and a half ahead of him, finally breaking a tree line and coming to a sudden stop. "It was nice seeing you, but I should-"

Mark's mouth against hers stopped her desperate attempt to make him leave.

She stood still a moment before pushing him back. "Don't." She choked out around a sob. "Don't do that."

Mark looked equally as upset and he dropped down to the side of the old dirt road that ran the tree line of the forest. "I don't know what's come over me. All I want is you."

"You can't have me." She had tears streaming down her face as she watched him sit there on the ground. "I can't believe you have no control."

He shook his head. "I still love you."

"You can't do that either." She whispered and thought back to that letter all those years ago. "You moved on, you can't turn around and go back."

"Why not, Kath? If it's you I love, why can't I go back?"

Kathryn stared down at him, wanting to tell him he could. "Because, I can't and I won't do that to your wife." She pulled a portable communicator out of her bag and flipped it open. "Janeway to Starfleet Command."

"Go ahead, Ma'am." A young voice chirped back.

"You'll find the coordinates for Commander Chakotay's place in the files. Please beam me directly there."

Mark stared up at her. "That's it?"

Kathryn dropped her arms to her side, tears still streaming down her cheeks. "I wish it weren't, Mark, but I was forced to move on and when you did _that…_ no, I can't do that to another woman. Go home."

Another breath and the forest disappeared. She was standing on the porch of a tiny log cabin in the middle of nowhere. Her hands were shaking, and her legs felt like jello. She started pounding on his door, unable to stop the sobs as she did so.

* * *

Chakotay was sitting by the fire. It wasn't cold, but it was just cool enough for a fire to be comfortable. He'd spent much of the past seven months off-duty, enjoying the sporadic company of his friends and traveling about as he pleased. He had requested a full year, after which he'd be reacquainted with Command procedures and would be given a small ship and crew. He leaned back and pressed the Bajoran Brandy to his lips, feeling the burn slide down his throat.

A desperate pounding on his door made him jump up. He hurried over and flung it open to see Kathryn standing there, looking gorgeous in plain, simple clothes. Except she was crying, sobbing would be more accurate. He'd seen her tear up, he'd seen her cry a little bit over the years, but this wrenched at his heart and he instinctively pulled her into a hug.

"What is it?"

No response came, she continued to just cry into his arms.

"Kathryn, what the hell happened?" Chakotay was easily angered. He knew someone hurt her deep, and recently. He pulled her inside, taking her bag from her shoulder and the communicator from her hand. He sat her down next to the fire and poured her a shot of the brandy. "Talk to me, Kathryn."

After a few moments she managed to stop crying and wiped her eyes with her bare fingers. She took the shot he handed her and downed it in a quick second before flopping back against the couch.

His hands were on her knees and he could feel them shaking beneath his finger tips. He watched her a moment longer before leaning forward and pressing his forehead against hers. "I know you too well to think you'll be fine without talking. Silence won't convince me otherwise."

She nodded slowly and pressed back against his forehead. "You know I've been avoiding Mark."

"Yes, I do."

"I was going to go diving today. Finally. I've been wanting to. He followed me I suppose."

"Is that what's gotten you so shaken?" Chakotay was ready to smile, ready to make it go away, that was simple.

But she shook her head. "We talked, it was okay. Than he kissed me, hard… all of the sudden with no warning! He's married, he's got a wife who's more than a little suspicious and insecure, a son… and he kissed me."

He could hear in her voice how betrayed she felt. Mark had played on her feelings, whether he knew it or meant it didn't matter.

"He said he loves me… I don't want to know that. He moved on, I had to move on, you can't tell me you love me after that." Her voice shook and than dropped to a whisper to keep from breaking. "I don't want to be loved by someone who'll do that."

"No, Kathryn… no it's not fair to her or you." He moved his hands from her knees down to where her hands were and held them tight. "I'm here, Kathryn, you can tell me anything. You can trust me."

"I know." She managed a smile and pulled one hand free to wipe the tears again. She was still shaking and Chakotay reached behind her to pull a light blanket down and over her lap.

"Not cold, are you?"

"No." She shook her head slowly. "But, this is nice."

He eased up onto the couch and snuggled against her. "Friend to friend, do you need me to rough him up for you?"

She laughed hard at that and reached for his bottle of brandy and both glasses. "Do you have any idea when the last time I had Bajoran Brandy beside a fire in the woods was?"

"I'll be terribly frightened if you've ever experienced such an identical event." He was watching her shaky hands open the bottle and he held both shot glasses for her.

"Well, I have. I think I was 22 or something. We had - Admiral Paris and I- just been rescued from a Cardassian interrogation facility and a Bajoran outpost put us up for the night as we waited out the patrols."

"Interrogation facility? Kathryn I didn't know about that, small wonder _you_ didn't join the Maquis."

"I had a great sympathy for them, the Bajorans that is. The Cardassians didn't do much to me, I was a cadet, but I could _hear_ Paris screaming as they tortured him through long nights. It was awful."

"No idea." He repeated the sentiment, shaking his head as he downed his shot. "Go on."

She smiled back at him. "Well, we were rescued by the intelligence and surveillance team on the crew and taken to a small Bajoran colony. They walked us through the woods for about an hour to a tiny cabin on a cliff edge. I fell in love in that cabin." She followed the thought with her own shot, a slow sip.

"With your rescuer?" He teased, putting his arm on the back of the couch.

"Actually, yes." She smiled around the lip of the empty glass. "Did I ever tell you about Justin?"

"No." He shook his head and pulled her against him, starting to feel the buzz of a few shots. He poured her another and drank his fifth with her.

She let him pull her to him and relaxed against her friend's strong body. "My first fiancé."

She fell asleep against him before she could finish telling him about Justin. That was fine with Chakotay. He liked that she shared with him, but he could live not knowing about her other lovers. _Other._ He laughed as he thought about it. She'd never considered him a lover, and yet she was sleeping against him, under a blanket in a secluded cabin. He nudged her gently and smiled when she almost growled at him. "Kathryn?"

"Hmm?" She leaned her head against the back of the couch and smiled up at him.

"Do you want to lay down?"

She smirked slightly, feeling the buzz from the shots. "I'm not quite sure how I should answer that."

"You're drunk." He laughed at her.

She shook her head adamantly and leaned forward, her elbows on her knees. "Am not, I had two shots!"

He threw his hands up. "Okay, sorry." Smiling her wrapped his arm around her shoulders. "In all seriousness, you look exhausted."

"I am. That'd be nice."

He stood and took her hand, guiding her to the bedroom area. He helped her get into bed and rested on top of the covers beside her. "Are you okay?"

"Yes, I'm fine. I just wasn't ready for any of it."

Chakotay stroked her cheek gently with one finger as he watched her struggle to keep her eyes open. "Ssh… go to sleep, Kathryn. I'll be right here."

"All night?"

"All night." He confirmed gently, pulling her closer to him.

"Chakotay… have I told you how much I love you?" Kathryn's whisper was low, and mumbled into his chest.

He moved back a little to look at her. "You sure you're not drunk?"

"I'm sure. I've been afraid to say so, and I don't know why."

"I love you too, Kathryn, have for a long time." He didn't wait for her to move before he had her chin cupped in one hand, his lips brushing hers softly.

She wrapped an arm around his neck and deepened the kiss.

When she broke away she rested her forehead on his chest, letting his chin rest on her head. "Thank you for always being here."

* * *

Fin


End file.
